Got a toothbrush?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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