If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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