I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
