My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Randomize
