I'm going to jail i love you
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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