I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize