I cockslap morals
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize