Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
