i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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