Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
