Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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