Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
