WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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