Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
