actually, I'm a sock model
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize