Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
