i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I did not marry a roomba.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize