If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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