he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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