alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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