Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
