I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
