dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
