That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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