Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
