at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
