My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize