I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
