and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
