I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize