Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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