The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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