Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
