every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can I color on your dick again?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
