where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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