Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
