i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
