she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
