She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
