You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
