my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize