Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
