I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
