Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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