Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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