The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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