why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
