my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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