Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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