I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You're like the curious george of whores
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
