If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
