The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
