apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
