I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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