I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize