I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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