so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
