I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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