I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
