dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
