Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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