We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
