Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize